Why Blinking Relationships Are Torture

Many relationships are flashing light relationships. That is, they end and start again and again. From an outsider’s perspective, these types of relationships have a problem that cannot be solved by breaking up and getting back together.

These types of relationships come about when a couple is very attached, has been together for a long time, or when one of the partners (or both) has an emotional dependency.

All these reasons make the couple unable to give up their relationship. It also urges them to try and give it another chance. The problem with all of this, though, is that the relationship eventually turns into a real nightmare.

The Torture of Recurrent Emotional Pain

Throughout our lives we have to experience many kinds of pain. Pain of losing a loved one, breaking up with a partner, ending an employment contract…

Having pain is a difficult process that can lead to depression if not handled properly. People who have been in an on-again, off-again relationship are used to pain. However, they never reach the final stage of the process.

The stages of pain

Let’s look at the stages of pain and how the people involved in these relationships can act at each of these stages:

• Denial: The person denies that their relationship didn’t work. He or she doesn’t want to face reality and even tries to pretend that nothing happened. When the denial itself collapses, the person enters the next stage.
• Anger: At this stage, both partners blame the other for the relationship, for the problems, and for why the relationship failed. It is a stage where the couple can only remember the negative things. And they can only approach each other angrily.
• Grief: After losing control of the very powerful emotion of anger, another emotion emerges. A deep, crippling sadness that reminds the couple of the good times and makes them nostalgic for why they stayed together.

• Negotiation: The couple tries to get back together. In the case of flashing light relationships, this eventually happens. Sadness reminds them how valuable everything was, which forces them to give it another chance. They refuse to give up their relationship.
• Acceptance: accepting that a relationship didn’t work, accepting that with every new chance the relationship is given, another failure will come.

However, people involved in flashing light relationships do not want to accept that their relationship is over.

This is why in the negotiation stage couples eventually agree to give the relationship another chance. They can agree under the premise of ‘I’m going to change’.

Flashing light relationships and fears

The fact that unstable relationships cannot reach the final stage of pain and thus not let go of the relationship to find a new path, has to do with fears.

People who have been with their partner for more than 6 or 8 years have shared a lot of experiences together. They are so intertwined that it seems impossible not to fight for what they have.

Despite the fact that their breakup (sometimes camouflaged as “I need a break”) means something isn’t working, they try to stick with it at all costs.

It is normal for a couple to have a crisis. However, it’s not normal to break up and then get back together again and again. As a result, both parties are in more and more pain.

Meanwhile, they ignore the real cause of the problem.

If both partners are co-dependent, the same dilemma arises. Flashing light relationships  make it seem like living without the other or living without a partner is impossible.

Sometimes it seems hard to let that person go. Maybe we think we can force a new beginning. As if we can start over with a clean slate, when in reality it doesn’t work that way.

What didn’t work won’t work

What causes a relationship to end and people make it up again several times? The answer to this can give us clues that we don’t know how to handle conflict or that we keep hitting the same wall over and over again.

If the problem comes from clashing our personalities, if we have different perspectives on life or incompatible goals (one wants to live abroad and the other wants to stay in his own country), then there is no solution.

The promises of change and attempts to bring the impossible together are in vain.

On the other hand, if the problem is the result of the couple working together or having children and the stress that comes with it, then there is a way to resolve the situation correctly.

Seeking professional help or going to couples counseling can help a couple.

Flashing light relationships are torture.

So we need to find out where the problem is. We need to see if we’re taking risks that lead us nowhere or if we need to learn at the other end of the spectrum how to better manage a particular area of ​​our lives.